The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
