Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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