my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
