I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
