what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
