Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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