my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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