Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
