Umm I'm too high to move.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
