How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
