Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
