Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
