I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
