Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
