his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
