Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
