Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
