Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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