i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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