I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
