his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
