Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
