DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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