so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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