yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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