It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
