I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
