Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
