There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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