Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
