I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
