my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
