You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
