I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
