its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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