I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Threesome in a minivan. New low
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
