i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
