sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
