remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
