Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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