i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
