every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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