Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
