They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
