just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
and eventually we just all took our pants off
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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