You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
