My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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