I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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