I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
