I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
