Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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