Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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